remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
