$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
