Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
