I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
