Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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