so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
