did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
