from now on my penis is your penis
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My cat gives me a boner
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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