Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
