xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
