When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
