its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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