Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
