i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
