Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
