i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
