I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
