one word: firstdatebathroomanal
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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