I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize