I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Drunk is not a location!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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