i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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