yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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