Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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