He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
