Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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