Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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