see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm having to shit out rocks
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
