I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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