one word: firstdatebathroomanal
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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