i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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