im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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