Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
