I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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