Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
