How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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