By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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