There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
