Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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