I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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