shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
