one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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