Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
he just fucked me for my cheese.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
