Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
