apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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