dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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