My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
