There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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