I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
