I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.