you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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