All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i will never coherently bang her
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please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
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You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila