I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
