Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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