the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
