Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
this is an emotional support booty call
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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