Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
