hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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