over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
