separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
