It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
